Legacy

It seems like I've had a lot less ddh posts and more posts reflecting myself and our life. This week has been a busy but fun, and I knew it would be a great week. Lunch with my aunt, pedis with my mom, and the biggest one is looking at a foreclosed house. We haven't even considered buying a house since before Blair was born. Let's face it, I love this house, my dad built it, I have so many memories and I feel safe and comfortable. But I started to wonder what my legacy was to Blair and our future child...what will they know me for? When I think of my dad I see all of these great accomplishments, he built this house when he was my age! He built his business up from nothing, he's smart and generous and can do so many things. Then I look at myself, sure I graduated college but that was sort of for him, I've had a lot of little jobs but I want to stay at home with Blair, and well I think someday we'll have to venture out on our own. I like having my mom and dad up the street, but this house is HUGE, is in a wonderful neighborhood with horses right across the street! Blair loved it! It's big, stinky, and needs lots and lots of work. But it'd be our legacy, our home that we create and re-do. So what to do? What to do?

I finished it!

I finally finished my first quilt, although technically my second...the first was one made for Nicky with a hot glue gun:) I love it and it turned out better than I had hoped! I've never been the best at sewing and as my Mom puts it "I like the pedal to the medal" which I have to do with my machine to get it to sew anything thick. The fabric was from an actual quilt packet which made it easy but I chose the soft bumpy fleece on the back and the binding and Blair actually picked out the border. I'm not sure if I like it more than Blair does right now but I know she'll cherish it. As I'm typing my baby blanket is around my shoulders, and someday I know she'll look at hers and be proud that her Mama made it:)

My BoBo aka Bubbas aka Joshie, my love

I love calling my dog all sorts of nicknams, and well he loves it. Josh is unlike any dog I've ever known. He is sweet, very sensitive and doesn't seem to think he's dog at all! The biggest difference between Joshie and other dogs is 1. he has seizures almost every two months and 2. He has the worst skin allergies! After battling skin infections every month and giving him massive doses of antibiotics we tried doing steroid injections and it was awful. Have you ever given a dog shots everyday? He dreaded it, we dreaded it, so thankfully with help from the SIL we did an allergy test. He's mostly allergic to things outside, no food allergies thankfully since as I said before he doesn't seem to think he's a dog and thinks he should eat what we eat. So now we have him on atopica, a very expensive pill that he takes every 3 days, anything more than 3 days he'll get an infection. He's worth every gosh darn penny of it. I trust him around Blair, he loves that girl. He follows me everywhere and as we always joke: if he had hands he could change Blair's diaper since he has to sit right next to me when I do it. He's mellow yet when my dad or mom come over he get sooo excited, although he is a very skiddish dog with strangers and other animals. Somedays I have to wonder what those seizures do to him mentally. Case in point, he hardly realizes when there are racoons on the deck and if you wear a hood and come from a distance he goes nuts not knowing who or what you are.
Yet he is my life, I love my Joshie so much and this week he had a bad infection so after 6 pills a day, a very long bath and some calming bisquits I think we're over the worst. So thank you joshie for being my BoBos my Bubbas and Blair's best friend.

Who am I to you?

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, or my life. Am I a good friend? A sister? A good mother or wife? Am I trustworthy enough to tell me your secrets? Since having Blair I've become someone totally different, even after I got married I didn't change that much...or at least I don't think so. I think I'm a lot more open about things, to where I can talk about certain subjects without feeling like a need to filter. I'm pretty honest, at least to those close to me. I freely cry about things, get mad about situations, and tell my husband what's what around here.

But then there are days when I really feel like the only thing I'm good at is being Blair's Mom. I'm an okay cook, terrible housecleaner and bookeeper, and not that great of a wife. But really who can be when your husband works all the time, comes home late and at "meltdown" time around here? Some nights I tell Darren, I can either cook dinenr or comfort Blair. I feel like my life and the things I accomplish are the bare minimal. I have so many wants and dreams and I wonder when they will ever get done. I love living in this house but I want to paint and get rid of clutter, but it's hard with a toddler around. The time that I get to myself are few and far between, I am able to blog now with the help from Toy Story 3...and dinner gets fixed most nights thanks to playdoh.

Lately I've been keeping my fears about Blair's DDH bottled up to myself or to Darren and a fellow DDH mom. I worry about Blair so much because well, she's my whole world. I keep worrying that she's going to need surgery or that she won't but will always be on the edge of "almost normal". I don't know which is worse, to get it corrected and have 6+weeks of hell, or be sooo close to her sockets being normal that I constant worry about them and await yearly x-rays.

Two shows have prompted the feelings of "who am I?". The first being What Not to Wear, which did a makeover on a Blogging Mom who never really felt pretty. So I was watching it thinking to myself...Okay I'm not that bad to where I wear sweathpants in public but I don't find myself pretty right now. When is the last time I felt pretty about myself? I never felt bad about myself in high school...but that was forever ago, I felt pretty on my wedding day...but that was forever ago too. The only recent time I've felt pretty was being pregnant with Blair. Not sure why when my waistline kept getting bigger and the stretchmarks longer, but it's true, that is the last time I felt pretty and good about myself. The other show, which I know sounds silly, was Teen Mom2. The one mom had started dating a guy and I asked Darren (as I often do with funny off the wall questions) that if he wasn't married to me and I had Blair would he want to date me? He said well he didn't know because I'm such a different person than when he first met me. I asked him what I was like then and he said "reckless". Which is the complete opposite of now.
So WHO AM I? I guess my only answer is I'm Blair's Mama:)