Who am I to you?

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, or my life. Am I a good friend? A sister? A good mother or wife? Am I trustworthy enough to tell me your secrets? Since having Blair I've become someone totally different, even after I got married I didn't change that much...or at least I don't think so. I think I'm a lot more open about things, to where I can talk about certain subjects without feeling like a need to filter. I'm pretty honest, at least to those close to me. I freely cry about things, get mad about situations, and tell my husband what's what around here.

But then there are days when I really feel like the only thing I'm good at is being Blair's Mom. I'm an okay cook, terrible housecleaner and bookeeper, and not that great of a wife. But really who can be when your husband works all the time, comes home late and at "meltdown" time around here? Some nights I tell Darren, I can either cook dinenr or comfort Blair. I feel like my life and the things I accomplish are the bare minimal. I have so many wants and dreams and I wonder when they will ever get done. I love living in this house but I want to paint and get rid of clutter, but it's hard with a toddler around. The time that I get to myself are few and far between, I am able to blog now with the help from Toy Story 3...and dinner gets fixed most nights thanks to playdoh.

Lately I've been keeping my fears about Blair's DDH bottled up to myself or to Darren and a fellow DDH mom. I worry about Blair so much because well, she's my whole world. I keep worrying that she's going to need surgery or that she won't but will always be on the edge of "almost normal". I don't know which is worse, to get it corrected and have 6+weeks of hell, or be sooo close to her sockets being normal that I constant worry about them and await yearly x-rays.

Two shows have prompted the feelings of "who am I?". The first being What Not to Wear, which did a makeover on a Blogging Mom who never really felt pretty. So I was watching it thinking to myself...Okay I'm not that bad to where I wear sweathpants in public but I don't find myself pretty right now. When is the last time I felt pretty about myself? I never felt bad about myself in high school...but that was forever ago, I felt pretty on my wedding day...but that was forever ago too. The only recent time I've felt pretty was being pregnant with Blair. Not sure why when my waistline kept getting bigger and the stretchmarks longer, but it's true, that is the last time I felt pretty and good about myself. The other show, which I know sounds silly, was Teen Mom2. The one mom had started dating a guy and I asked Darren (as I often do with funny off the wall questions) that if he wasn't married to me and I had Blair would he want to date me? He said well he didn't know because I'm such a different person than when he first met me. I asked him what I was like then and he said "reckless". Which is the complete opposite of now.
So WHO AM I? I guess my only answer is I'm Blair's Mama:)