New Year with hopes of more progress!

Tonight Blair and I will be ringing in the New Year with my Mom and some pizza, the husband is going to be snowboarding with his work crew. Yes, I know, I am a very nice wife to let him go. But seeing how he works 50+hours a week and practically swam with the horses the other day, I suppose he deserves a little fun. So as for 2011 we're hoping there will be a lot of curvature to Blair's sockets, maybe a sibling to run after or at least a happy and stress free Mama.

My resolutions are basically the same every year: Loose weight, loose the stress, save more money, gain more patience...Now that I am a mother a few more get added: Find more time to spend with the horses, think of new and fun things to do with Blair, cook healthier, take more videos and print more pictures, organize the playroom, and most importantly be happy with myself. I've never been that into partying on New Years so an early night with my Baby sounds good to me! 11 months to go until our next ortho appt, a lot can happen in that amount of time.

Where has the time gone??

Oh my gosh my little girl is almost 2 years old!!! Where did the time go? I can still remember the morning I found out I was pregnant and 3 tests later the nerves and excitement I felt, the first time I felt her move, the day we found out she was a girl...oh my gosh I just can't believe it's almost her birthday. This time last year I was HUGE and my feet were swollen, and I was sooo scared about labor.

I am so excited for this Christmas, Blair had some practice unwrapping during her uncle Chad's and Daddy's birthday, and I know she's going to LOVE her kitchen set and bath baby. I could care less if I got a single present I am so overjoyed that I can get Blair presents and all the decorations and dinner with family. Such a wonderful time of year, and then two weeks later we are going to celebrate her birthday.

As far as DDH goes I'm still worrying about it, watch every step, agonize over whether or not surgery is going to happen and hope that any future children are born without it.

Turkey, turkey, turkey

Wow what a thanksgiving, with the husbands help as sou chef we got it all cooked in time. All my mushroom appetizers were eaten and we have plenty of turkey leftover. Blair enjoyed every minute of family time, and even got to play with her cousin for a bit. A few BooBoos for the day, I don't know what was wrong! Blair was running with her feetie pjs and fell, breaking the little candleholder she was playing with and cut her hand, then she tirpped over her highchair leg and smacked her face on the tile. Needless to say Mama held her most of the day.

I can't believe how much has changed in a year. As I went through our christmas decorations I had to cry a bit when I pulled out Casey's stocking. My first christmas without her is going to be a hard one. I am trying to be positive and cheerful though.

It has been soo cold, we've been going through a ton of firewood and for the past week I've been trying to fix Magic's jacket. It is so hard to do a lot of things with a toddler running around, one of them being able to concentrate and sew something...I don't know why it's become so hard and I promise Magic I will finish it this weekend. It's a good thing he's a gentlemen and let Melo wear the other jacket.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. Blair's kitchen set has already arrived and her daddy better start working on putting it together soon. I have just about all my shopping done, and charlie brown christmas tree is looking great this year. I took advantage of old navy's black friday online and treated myself to a few new clothing pieces. I'm also awaiting the much anticipated arrival of a new pair of shoes, my poor danskos have had it. I ordered a pair of clarks and I hope they're comfy.

As everyone has been saying that they're thankful for their healthy families I find a twinge of jealousy. I know that I should be saying the same thing but I just can't help but still be afraid that Blair will need surgery. She is healthy in every aspect, she's smart, affectionate, hitting all the milestones but her hips aren't where they should be and it really stresses me out. To wait a whole year is agonizing and I dread the worst and hope for the best. I've been praying for a wonderful year ahead of us, with hopefully some good surprises and an even better x-ray.

It's been awhile but I'm slowly recovering from a month of hell

I haven't updated my DDH Blog for awhile, even with our latest appt. But truly week from hell happened before our big appt and I haven't had the courage to even write about it. As I hold back the tears I will tell everyone that I had to put my beloved Casey cat to sleep, the night before we left for Oakland. Yes I know some don't hold their animals as dear to their hearts as my family does, but Casey was part of my family. She was dropped off in a box at our barn when I was in the sixth grade, she was a tiny little baby and ever since then she was with me. Always the runt, she turned herself into an indoor cat for fear of the other cats beating her up. She slept on my pillow for 15 years, almost every night. She had the loudest purrr you'd ever hear from a small torte. She was gentle with Blair, loved cereal milk and the warm balcony. She was feeling ill for the past week and I worried about her simply getting old but during the weekend she went downhill fast and after two days of bawling my eyes out, a few frantic phone calls we went to the emergency vet where they took some x-rays and found cancer. They say it's a gift to give an animal the release from pain but it was the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. We did a nighttime burial right next to my ozzy and then left early the next day with puffy eyes and a very broken heart. As I write my heart literally hurts I can feel it everynight when the house is quiet, when I walk into blair's room or look on the balcony. Life will never be the same and I could really use some happiness right now. I am thankful for a husband who listens to me cry and tries his best for comfort me. But there's not much comfort when you loose someone.

Leading up to that horrible weekend my dad's dog Nicky was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to get surgery. Although this wasn't our first big surgery or crisis with Nicky it was very scary and very stressful. But I'm happy to say she is back to her normal self and has even gained 5lbs.

As for our DDH appt the trip was hard, and to make it worse the security gaurds wouldn't let darren park the truck outside of the hospital even though we cannot fit in the parking garage. So he had to drive around oakland looking for a spot while I tried my best to hold blair for her x-ray. Which didn't turn out that great, but Dr H saw some progress, you could see her sockets are starting to curve a bit and her growth centers are now congruent. So back we gone in a year at which time will (hopefully not) discuss surgery. It seems like darren is a bit down after the appt, he's always been optimistic but now it's hard not to worry for another year! DDH is such a rollercoaster, I don't want blair to have surgery but if it has to happen we'll make due. One thing is for sure, we can make it through anything as long as we have eachother.

It's that time!!

My favorite thing to get in the mail (besides packages that I order) is the reminder of our Oakland appt. It comes a week or so before our appt and I sigh a little relief that yes we're going and I have the right day and time on the calendar:) I can't wait to talk to the dr and see new x-rays, I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Part of my worry recently is that our insurance is changing...we went from not paying per month to having part of Darren's paycheck going towards it. I'm nervous as usual but I suppose I should be used to it all by now but it's a new experience everytime, not only for the trip but the results.

Along with our DDH worries we are going through a reversal with some other things. Blair refuses to sleep in her crib, so we turned in into a toddler bed, which she also hates. She'll lay in it if Casey cat is in there, or if we lay with her. So back to bed with us. Blair also isn't a big fan of bathtime, which used to be her favorite. She's talking a lot now, she's no chatterbox but new words are coming out everyday. A few important ones being more, milk, and help. Blair is also loving rocks, she is her mother's daughter:) She'll line them up outside, cart them around, throw them, put them in her pockets, I think it's the main reason she wants to go outside:) Halloween is Sunday and I am so excited that Darren has the day off, we'll be going house to house for relatives to see Blair. Should be a lot of fun. "teet" as Blair would say for Trick or Treat, obviously she'll take the treat!

It's finally happened...I've become a bribing mom

Hello toddler years, goodbye lying still for diaper changes, eating what's in front of you, and sleeping in! Blair is testing out her communication skills, and will powers! I've had to walk out of the room a few times to restrain my frustration. And (gulP) I've started bribery in the form of stickers. My daughter is a sticker lover, she loves peeling them, sticking them to her feet, or most of the time my arm. They bribe her to let me brush her teeth, diaper changes, and dressing in the morning would not be complete without them! She also hated her costume that I spent two days sewing, I have to admit I was a little heart broken when I showed it to her and she replied in a very polite "no" and ran off. She later tried it on for a few M&Ms...my Mom made her the cutest halloween bag which has been filled with dog treats, the other bribery/distraction tool used in the Moser household. She loves to play with dog treats, run from Josh, hide from Josh and get sniffed and searched by Josh. It's very sweet, and thankgoodness I have a sweet dog who is gentle and doesn't mind a toddler running off with treats.

On a ddh note, three weeks until our next x-ray and doctor visit! Woohoo I cannot wait. I was looking through B's medical records and I read on her first visit that her left hip was dislocatable and she had two different leg lengths. Why didn't I read that before? Sometimes I seriously think I was walking around without my head, how could I not know that important info?? Each visit there after her legs were subluxed and he never mentioned a leg length differnce nor has the pediatricans, so I know there has been some progress. Wondering what her new indexes are and if HOPEFULLY we can see him once a year, or the dreadful words of surgery. Either way I'm anxious to get down there!

Sooo tired today!

I always thought that someday soon Blair would sleep right through the night and I might get a consecutive 8 hours of snoozing time...but that doesn't seem to happen in this house. We've had a few good nights of Blair sleeping in her crib until 5am or so, but lately she gets up around 11 and wants out, there's no rocking her back to sleep, laying her back down or any comfort at all. She cries and points to the bed in her room pleading for me to sleep with her. I don't mind this much at all, it's not like she's going to be a 16year old who has to sleep with her mama still. But last night was horrible, she cried and kicked me and cried some more. I am so tired but after a few cups of coffee and a diet pepsi there's no way I'll be taking a nap. I wish she'd tell me what is wrong, is she sick? a tooth? Both I am assuming, she has a runny nose and her hands are in her mouth lately. So here's to hoping we have a better night!

Did I mention?

Not only was the trip fun and somewhat informative as far as DDH is concerned but I also purchased 3 of my favorite scented deoderant AND an eye shadow color I cannot find in Humboldt. I've been using the same deoderant since Jr. High, and no that wasn't the first time I had to use deoderant, I think I used that teen spirit kind up until then. Arridd X is the kind I use and it has to be the gel type. After a horrible incident of borrowing my mom's white kind of deoderant and a rash that lasted a week I have not changed brands since. For some reason Target, CVS, K-mart, and all grocery stores do not carry my type anymore. So thank you walmart for my deoderant that I bought in stock, and my covergirl eyeshadow in Mauveberry.

I cannot wait to get to Oakland next month for Blair's x-ray and the comfort of talking to our doctor. He's easy to talk to and the fact that he's been following Blair's DDH since she was 11 days old it's kind of "old hat" with him. Hoping and praying for progress and the words "she won't need surgery".

Oh and also my eye twitch is gone, what a relief!

Shriner's Trip

Okay, where to start? Part of me feels like the trip was unnecessary, yet we had a wonderful time. We're so used to our Oakland trips that this trip seemed harder and longer. The dr. didn't take any x-rays because he didn't want to expose her when she'd be getting one next month. Which is very true, she's had way too many x-rays in her life. But that also meant we didn't see what was going on now. He looked at her previous x-rays and came in singing the praises of Dr. H. Whom is a good friend of his. He went on and on about how great of a dr he is, how he's funny and I quote "if my children needed surgery he'd be the one doing it". So his opinion and the whole trip came down to him giving me a lot of confidence about our ortho. He agreed with Dr. H in that it'd be best to wait and see...the three words I HATE! He also told us that on a scale of agressive (ie surgery) the dr is UCSF was the most agressive, then Dr. H, then himself. He answered all of my questions, except the biggest ones: what is her acetabular index, will she need surgery, etc. We looked at the previous x-rays, he showed me a few things and told me that Dr. H would probably see Blair once a year or once every few years until the age of 14. There's a lot of trips in our future. Was it a waste of time? No I guess not, if we didn't go I'd always wonder if we were doing the right thing. He seemed sure that if she needed surgery they'd wait until she was 3 or 4 to do so. Which isn't what I thought Dr. H said, I thought he didn't want to do surgery when she'd be in preschool or grade school. So we'll wait and see what he has to say, and what the NEW x-rays show November 9!!!

On the positive side the trip was fun for many reasons. I got to spend two consecutive days with my husband, go somewhere new and warm, we ate at Outback (of course), went to Old navy where I got a new pair of jeans and a swimsuit for Blair. Blair went into the pool for the first time and LOVED it, I forgot my camera so I didn't get any pictures, such a bummer, she had so much fun and started to float and kick her legs while holding me. She laughed and splashed and had a blast, the best part of the trip. Thanks to Grandma she got so many new and bigger clothes at walmart, a new babydoll, mini golf clubs, a puzzle and new shoes (the second best part of the trip). We finally found some shoes to fit her, plus they're pink and sparkly and oh so cute! She had fun playing in the hotel room and didn't overheat or have any melt downs besides when the dr felt her hips. Overall I'm glad we went, I'm exhausted, and I'm ready for our next Ortho appt. I'm feeling better about things, trying not to get my hopes up too high, but hopefully everything will be fine and the fact that her hips have never been dislocated and she's had a lot of time to run and jump and dance, HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY her socket has started to curve:)

Belly Rubber

My daugther has some interesting "quirks" one of which is she rubs my belly. My flabby stretched-marked belly is comforting to her. When she's sleepy or not feeling good up goes the hand, no matter where we are. It's hard to cook dinner when she's in front of me, embarassing when people are around (not the action of her doing it, the embarassment that someone will see my belly). I actually love it, she's a very cuddly touchy girl and I hope she never stops:)

On a ddh note, we're headed to Shriner's on Tuesday, an early 5am wake up call and we'll be on the road! I'm stressed for numerous reasons: the first being this is a new trip, a new route, and it's going to be HOT! We're taking the truck of course and her carseat itsn't inclined enough for me not to worry that she's going to slump over while sleeping. Thanks to the tomtom I'm not so worried about getting lost, nor am I worried about parking since our hotel is right across the street. We'll be making a mad dash in the heat with our "city" stroller as I call it for our 2:30appt. I have my questions typed, I've got my serious Mama face on and my walmart list ready! I'm very nervous to hear what's happened in the past 7 months. Hoping there is progress with her acetabular index, hoping she's not borderline surgery, and hoping there will be a definte opinion.

The eye twitch that never goes away

We've got a week until our first big trip to Shriner's Hospital for our second opinion. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, and stressed, hence the eye twitch that has been going on and off for the past month. I'm not sure what the doctors there are going to say besides "yes she has hip dysplasia so we'll wait and see what happens". Yes she has it, and it has always been borderline, but without there being any dislocations surgery will wait, until? Until the point at which all of the watching becomes decision making time. I am grateful that her DDH hasn't been extreme but then again it's a catch 22 when it's still present with no progress but not "bad enough" for the big operation to happen.

My recent way of coping with all the anxiousness is becoming educated, reading over and over Dr. Hoffinger's notes, looking at her x-rays, scanning the internet and my next adventure of heading to the library for research. It's been nice to talk to my family about it, analyze it with my dad and hear other people's thoughts.

Two trips, truck registration, dentist bill, hospital bills, Christmas, and the everyday costs all seem to be weighing heavily on my mind. Hoping for a good trip and hoping for better news, and then the agonizing waiting for a month to go to Oakland.

Remembering the funny times

I'm not sure who even reads my blog but I'm sure someone is tired of the complaining or constent "worries" so I thought I'd write some funny, or not so funny moments with our DDH journey.

On our second trip down to Oakland, in tow with my mother in law started a bit late in the day. After she was done watching our nephew we hit the road and stayed in rhonert park, while she went to sleep in the hotel Darren, and an infant Blair and I went to have a late dinner at Outback (YUMMY). Dinner was fine, Blair was asleep most of it and as we were finishing up the waiter brought our check and quickly looked away. As I looked down I realized I had leaked through my nursing pads and my darn husband hadn't "noticed". I was so embarassed, we quickly left.

For some reason, I have no idea why, I can't use a shower with only one curtain. I just don't get it, I went from having a shower door at my dad's house to a double curtain everywhere else. So everytime we go to Oakland I FLOOD the bathroom, then I use all the towels to sop up my mess while Darren shakes his head and laughs.

Our first trip down was a disaster! I literally pumped in the backseat of my mom's car every hour of our 6 hour drive. Not so fun! Once we were at the hotel we tried to settle in with a whole night of no sleep for me. I don't think I slept 10minutes. Blair didn't want to sleep in her travel crib and I was too afraid to let her sleep in the hotel bed with us. So up I stayed holding her tight. The next morning while trying to get her dressed she had a dirty diaper, Darren went to change it and well she just kept on pooping, so he kept pushing her up on the bed so the paper pad we were using would catch it and it just kept on going, we thought the whole bed was going to be ruined...sorry Blair had to tell it.

Our first ultrasound in Oakland was almost un-eventful. She did just fine, slept the whole time. She had to be naked so they could get a good scan and before he was finished she let our the cutest fart and we were all waiting for the same story as above, but it didn't happen.

When we got the newest pavlick harnesses we were a little surprised to find it came with a shirt and socks. The shirt however was apaulling! It had writing on it above the chest strap that said "I love a rhino harness" ( the name of the harness) It was also cheap and UGLY! We laughed about it but quickly got more long sleeve onesies for Blair to wear.

Through trial and error, good decisions and bad decisions we have made most of our way through DDH. My life is great, there are moments that are extremely hard and tons of ups and downs but I wouldn't want it either way. It sounds weird but if Blair didn't have DDH she wouldn't be Blair.

I'm Ready!

I'm not sure where life is going to take my little family. What I do know is I am ready, I'm ready to move, I'm ready to have another baby, and most of all I'm ready for surgery if that is what it's going to take to fix my baby's hips! My life is at a stand still. I went from only wanting one baby, probably due to all the stress, tears, and struggles we've had, to finally wanting another! I forget what it feels like to be pregnant, I forget what it was like to hold your newborn. I had made a mini checklist of what I want my life to be like before attempting to conceive.
1. No more nursing Blair...check, as of a few months ago, very sad time for me, but she did it all on her own.
2. Blair sleeping in her own crib, which is still a checklist pending, but she's in it for most of the night.
3. Communication, Blair can now say a few words and tell me what she wants. It's great! She lets me know when she's hungry, what she wants (as far as an object) and is trying really hard to talk.
4. ... I need to be in a place where I can say "okay, in 10months I'll be having surgery, I'll be in the hospital for 4+ days and recovery will be hard. But I'm sort of ready for that, I think.
5. this is the biggest checklist item...What is going to happen as far as Blair and her hips?? Surgery or not?? So we'll wait for November and pray and pray that she doesn't need it.
6. this item doesn't matter too much to me because Home is where your Heart is, but I'm not sure where we'll be living. I love it here but I'm ready for Darren to advance in his career, I'm ready to buy a house for a reasonable price...but that one's still up in the air.

I guess for now we just keep living day by day, making the most of it. Blair is thriving and learning so much, I'd hate to see her upset, in pain and frustrated. But as I have come to learn, life isn't always fair and it's certainly never easy!

NORMAL?

So after I called the dr's office this morning, the nurse called back to tell me the x-rays look normal. So am I a duck waddler with chronic hip pain and the ability to pop both hips out??? Definetely going to get the x-rays and send them down to Blair's orhto. So confused now

do I have HD?

After 18months of concentrating on Blair and her hip dysplasia, I finally decided to get myself checked out. A very short appt with my family dr, a few x-rays and I should be finding out by the latest tomorrow. My dr didn't think I had it because I would be in a lot more pain, bla bla bla. To be honest his appt/opinion doesn't mean a whole lot to me right now. I've researched, been there talked to dr.s about it. I also didn't like his comment without much emotion that my daughter will be just fine either way. Um okay guy, I know you don't have children but have a little understanding that the last thing I want is for my daughter to be opened up, screws and plates put in, and then be in an almost full body cast for months. I came home and cried, I haven't cried for myself since the night of Blair's birth. Becomming a mother I had put most of my worries about myself aside, but now I am real anxious to find out. I mostly wanted to see if I had HD for the next baby. If i have it most likely the next baby will have it...the only good point is we know what to expect now.

4 years ago...

It's almost been 4 years ago since I married my best friend. I know everyone says they married their best friend but Darren truly is mine. Somedays it feels like he's my only friend, and well that's okay with me. Family is so important to me and I'm not sure where we'd be without them. My dad has helped us out so much letting us live in our house, it's been so great to watch Blair and her Grandad play, she even knows the sound of his diesel and squeels when she hears it.

Our wedding wasn't the fanciest, nor did we have a ton of people. In fact I would have rathered gone to vegas or the courthouse. My best friend and I had a fight over a stupid guy and now we don't speak, along with another friend who had such a sour attitude about marriage. It was extremely awkward with my divorced parents and the never ending "we don't have money to invite so and so" list. Yet here we are still going strong, now I do admit we've had our UPS and DOWNS but for the most part our life is great. I know I can tell Darren anything, depend on him when I need help or a shoulder to cry on, which we do a lot of dealing with Hip Dysplasia.

What made our wedding special to me is that we didn't do the regular wedding vows that everyone takes, here is an excerpt from our ceremony. I absoltely love it and I'm going to frame it for Darren:

Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other;
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth for the other.
Now there is no more loneliness.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling to enter into the days of your life together.
And may your days be good, and long upon the Earth.

Stressed to say the least

Lately I had noticed Blair "intoeing", a pc work for pigeon toed. I was concerned so I called down to oakland, left the nurse (who handles all cases)a message asking if we should be concerned. He called back 10minutes later while I was in the shower. He said not to worry it's just a phase, as I explained, she's my first born and I tend to analyze everything! He understood, especially since she has an orthopedic problem I will always be looking out for more. I then said that the next appointment was going to be important because it determines if we need surgery or not. He said "well I looked at her file and there was a note that Dr. H didn't want to do surgery". That totally took me by surprise. I said oh, okay well we'll see you in november. I got my hopes up but was still really confused. I was under the impression last visit that things weren't looking up and the next appt would be the "surgery Talk" appt if there had been no progress. After a panicked phone call to the husband I realized I wasn't the only one with that impression. So what does it mean? Does dr h want to wait a long time to do surgery and wait to see if there's progress? Pelvic osteotomies are different than the other surgereis because they are having to graft bone and make cuts into the sockets so they wait until after 18months to do so. Blair will be 20months old when we go so I assumed we'd be setting a date if there wasn't any change.

After stressing and being in my mind all day about things I realized I need to stop being such a nut. No more researching online, no more fretting about things. The next four months, of course it'll be on my mind, but I need to get some sleep and really enjoy the day to day. We'll find out soon enough what the future holds.

Yesterday was the day from HELL....

Whatever happened to my little sweet girl and who replaced her with a frustrated angry 17month old?? Yesterday was the worst day, started off just fine even with some giggles and playtime with the wheelbarrow and then I go to change diaper #1 and Blair pulls the curly qs that are on the nape of my neck. Yes she's a baby but man that really hurt, my scalp stung for hours! Great, then after a yummy breakfast and more playtime it's time for bath and brushing teeth, poor little girl's gums start to bleed and I try to look in her mouth to see where it's coming from, she grabbed my neck skin and pinched. Wow that really hurt too! Now I'm no pansy mom, I let her know that hurt with a stern talking to and a time out. She's fine two seconds later and giving kisses. But the rest of the day remains the same, she's sweet one second then the next she's slapping me because she tripped outside and I helped her up. Then of course I think to myself: What is going to happen if she gets surgery and is put in basically a full body cast???? She's going to be 1,000X madder, upset, frustrated, along with her Mama. Not to mention my method of taming the toddler: going outside and walking around will not work if surgery does happen. 4 months until we find out, hoping the days get better!

Just a few of our questions for our upcoming appointment

Questions for Dr. Hoffinger

• What are Blair’s index numbers?
• If she’s close to 25 degrees what will the prognosis be?
• How often will we need to see you if she’s close enough to “normal”
• What if we DON’T get surgery?


If she needs surgery:
• When will surgery take place?
• Femoral or pelvic osteoteomy?
• What does surgery entail?
• How long will surgery last?
• What does recovery entail?
• Can we stay in the hospital the whole time?
• What procedures will be done before initial surgery?
• How long should we expect to be in the hospital?
• Will you use hardware?
• Where do we get a car seat?
• Will she fit in a normal stroller?
• Will she be on pain medication?
• Should I donate blood in case she needs a blood transfusion?
• How often do we need to come back for checkups and cast changes?
• What signs should we look for if she’s in trouble?
• What do we do once we get home?
• After surgery how often will we be coming back?
• What should we bring to the hospital?

The worrying never stops

Lately I have been rounding off the months until our appointment, so as of right now 4 months, 4 months to agonize over what might happen. Hip dysplasia is a tricky condition there's no one cure no one procedure that can work. I research and read and read and read so many people's stories and none are the same. I feel so distraught thinking about what might happen. Right now would be the perfect time to start baby#2 but I can't even imagine life with two babies and one being in pain or discomfort. So we wait. The other thing I've been having problems with is seeing healthy normal babies and children and being angry. Darren and I talk often about how hard everything was and how hard it (might) be. I want those days back, I want my infant back and I want everything to be normal.

On a happy note Blair is sleeping in her crib. I don't know how it happened but one night she decided she'd sleep by herself. SO far so good, she cries for about 5 minutes each time and wakes up a couple times. I can let her cry it out and she'll go back to sleep but lately I give in and get her out. I hate to say it but I sleep better knowing she's next to me. I'm crazy I know. She is also saying a few more words such as Dad (finally), Josh, Up and the big one OUT all she wants to do is go OUT and be let OUT. So funny to hear her talking and even funnier to watch her and Joshie run around the house playing chase.

4 more months, I have to think about all the fun things that will happen between now and November, all the fun holidays, birthdays, milestones and hope and pray that Blair won't need surgery and we can get on with our lives!

Another reminder

That living so secluded in Humboldt is frustrating when you have a child who has a health issue. Blair went in for her 15month checkup with our favorite doctor, who bursted throught he door and said "great everything is going good on her hips?". Um no, not really was my response. She had looked at the x-rays and not the findings and really didn't know much as usual. The only case she's seen was one in which the girl wasn't diagnosed until she was 2. Although she did answer questions on development it was a reminder that I really wish we lived closer to Oakland. 5 months and counting until our appointment. On happier notes Blair is doing so many new things like walking backwards, taking jackets and vests off, almost saying Josh, giving kisses and hugs and waving to everyone!

Finally

Blair has her own room. We cleaned out our closets and moved all her furniture in! It was a weird adjustment but we are loving it. Some how we managed to get it all to fit, including the vanity that has been handed down for three generations, although our rocking glider is now in the hallway. I love it. The walls aren't painted but I figure if we move what's the point in painting? Most of Blair's decorations are up and I got some really cute frames to put pictures in. In case you are wondering why this didn't happen before she was born, the story is that this house was going to be shared by my brother and I. All of this came about after the inspection on the house we were going to buy turned out disasterous and there was no way we could afford the house and the improvements. So we turned my childhood home into a duplex. Crazy, yes. A bedroom upstairs was converted into a really nice kitchen, a portion of the garage turned into a room. We were set, but thankfully my brother bought his own house and got the keys the week Blair was born. So we were all settled into the top portion of the house, later we moved downstairs into the living room and kitchen and Blair has an amazing playroom. But upstairs we left alone for so long becuase Blair and I are still co-sleeping, what was the point? But now that she's almost 16months old she needs her own four walls with 2 doors. I am also hoping that someday she'll sleep on her own.

Here's some Stats for you all...

Hip Dysplasia occurs in 3-4 per 1,000 births, or 1% of the USA. The factors for HD are: Girl (although boys can also have it), first born, low amniotic fluid, family history, breech (mainly frank breech-bottom down with legs folded in half), native american heritage. It appears most often in the left hip, and 5-9 times more likely in a girl.

There are two tests they do when the baby is first born: Barlow's Maveuver, or Ortolni's Maveuver. Before the bones harden ultrasound is used, afterwards x-rays are used.

This is the hard one for us...The Pavlick harness is successful in approximately 90-95%...we're part of the 5-10% that it doesn't work for.

THIS IS WHY WE FEEL TOTALLY ALONE IN THIS ALL. HD consumes my thoughts all day long, and all I can seem to do is worry, get mad/sad, and research. 6 more months until we find out if Blair is going to have surgery.

Now that I am a mother, a lot of things have changed

So many things change after you become a mother, some though you might not think...

Before I became pregnant I wore low rise jeans, now I wear the mid-high rise? Never thought I'd say that one out loud. Not only has my bust, and waistline changed but I now am a size 8 shoe, when before I could squeeze into a 7.5, which is a bummer because my mom has some really cute shoes!

When I got married I thought the whole home maker thing would kick in, but it waited until Blair arrived. My mother had been praying for the day that I would start sewing, and it has finally happened! I am an official sewing, baking, cleaning Mama.

I now think about what I look like, how I dress, and how I talk along wtih my general attitude. I'm trying not to cuss as much, dress more modestly(maybe that's because of the bigger waistline), do my hair, and be happy (even when my world is falling apart).

Before Blair the internet was used for myspace and homework, now I tend to do a lot of research and printing of articles about Hip Dysplasia. I think about it all day and most of the night. Going along with HD I have become stronger, a real traveler, money and coupon saver, insurance knower, hospital attending MOTHER. I constantly worry, talk, write, discuss Blair's HD. 6 months until we find out if surgery is necessary...it's going to be a long wait. I love being a mother, there is nothing else better in the world!

A whole lot of growing and playing around here

Blair has been playing nonstop all day long lately. She is learning so many new things. We finally got to play in the yard before the rain came again. We planted veggies and a few flowers in a pot. Blair recently learned how to pick grass and flowers so first thing she did was pick the biggest flower out of the bunch, I laughed Darren gasped. Really funny. She is now putting her doll into her little play stroller and pushing her around everywhere, and she drags her dirty clothes basket and then makes different piles in every room. We've been having a hard time at night though, she tosses and turns and cries. I don't know if it's her teeth, hips or growing pains(which I remember very vividly). As I write she is running around with her toothpaste gigggling.

With bad news...

With the bad news I wrote about I figured I should write some good things that are going on. Blair is growing up so fast, she is saying "up", trying to say "shoes", mama, mom, etc. She is playing with Josh all day long, she loves to take his toys and have him chase her around. She's walking outside in her pedi peds that finally fit! Blair is still so loving and sweet, she gives rasberries and kisses and lots of hugs. She loves going to see grandpa and the horses, another word she is trying to say. She is so cute socializing with other kids, she likes to observe and quietly hang around them. She prefers being with older kids, babies aren't that interesting to her. I'm hoping we'll be done teething for awhile, the 5am screaming wake up call is getting to me lately. I'm not sure when we'll be even considering having another baby or moving so for right now we're having a great time being a little family.

What is the future going to hold??

As I assumed I knew this appt wouldn't be the best. NO PROGRESS, no progress for the last 3 appts. This time I was prepaired with questions: what degree are the hips at? What does this mean? When do we have to make the operation decision? Her hips are at 32degrees which in comparison she started out at 39 and 37....and the big number to get to is 25degrees by her 25th month, if not then surgery. I'm not sure how we're going to get down 10degrees when we have only gone down 4degrees with bracing. Dr. Hoffinger was particularly talkative and very understanding. Hip Dysplasia is filled with ups and downs he told us, and it's a prediction game, as in WILL HER HIPS BE AT THE POINT I WANT THEM TO BE BY THIS TIME and if not then we'll go in and fix it.
The trip was fun though otherwise, Blair was extremely social this time around. At the carter outlet she played with a little girl and waved to every kid we saw and every nurse. She walked around and really enjoyed going out in the stroller at night. She fell asleep earlier than I expected but did not want to wake up early. Blair had her first bite of hamburger from in and out and I got her so many cute clothes and pjs. We needed new pjs because she's no longer in the brace. There is something about 14months where the baby stops standing it or learns to take it off. Majic month 14.
As for our future I'm not sure what is going to happen. We go back in November and most likely will find out if surgery is going to happen or not. The cap off age is 4, but how can you put a freedom loving four year old into a full body cast from the chest down for 6 weeks?? How am i going to handle having a baby in a cast? Not to mention if anything goes wrong we're 5 hours away? I pray for no surgery because I know an experience like that will change our lives forever. I'm a planner and I hate not knowing what's going to happen, I NEED A PLAN! For now HD hangs over our heads until we go back and see the results.

Feeling super sensitive about everything!

This week before we go, maybe it's hormonal, but I am so SENSITIVE when it comes to Blair lately. I lost it with darren when he didn't know she had a poopy diaper right away, I can't stand to hear anymore people's "thoughts" or "advice" about our situation. Here's an idea just be supportive and listen don't tell me "you'll get through it", if it was your daughter do you think you'd be so nonchalaunt about it???? NOPE didn't think so. One thing I have learned from being a mommy: WHATEVER HURTS YOUR CHILD, HURTS YOU! Which lately has been everything, I feel like crying when she's crying, I get mad when she's mad, all I feel like doing is sheltering her from the world right now. But for now I'm watching her walk around with a cup in her hand almost ready for her morning bath.

The thing about HD

One thing that I have found with Hip Dysplasia is that it's an up and down process, yes a process. To go from one harness to another, one brace to another, U/S to x-rays and good news to bad news in a matter of months. From the histories I read online our stories are all similar inwhich there is never one fast cure. I want to have faith that everything will work out, and that our doctors are competent. It's times like this that I wish we didn't live behind the "Redwood Curtain", I wish we lived in the city where there are doctors who know what they are doing. Darren recently told me that Blair had an x-ray the morning after her birth, X-RAY?? Her bones hadn't ossified yet to even see anything, admist my grogginess I apparently didn't know what was going on. We have a week until our big trip, the trip that I have a feeling is going to set our future. That is: Surgery or No Surgery? Bracing hasn't been going well lately, between a diaper rash and teething.

Thoughts of how my life could have been easier...

I try not to feel sorry for myself, I'd like to think that we're given things in life that we can handle. So I handle Hip Dysplasia, I handle sleepless nights, I handle 10hour trips, and for the most part I handle the stress, and the What IF? I think I handle this in stride because I have such a GOOD baby, which somedays I don't realize until we go out to eat or are out in public and complete strangers, anywhere from a "thug" looking kid, mothers, and men with hairy beards come up to tell me how cute and well behaved she is. Which amazes me because I thought that is how all babies are supposed to be. But my daughter is so sweet to me, so cute, and happy...which is something you wouldn't expect when she sleeps in a hard restricting brace that I can't image being comfortable in.
My thoughts on how life could have been easier certainly includes Blair never being born with HD but becuase that is the cards we have been dealt I like to think about things that could have made our life easeir. First of those being someone who would put their emotions aside and listen to the doctors because to be honest the first 3 doctors I saw I can't even remember what they said, it was all a cloud and crying.
Second I wish someone would make higher neck turtle neck onsies so the harness wouldn't have scraped her neck and socks that are soft and stay in place so that her legs didn't get scraped.
One thing that I was so jealous of were mother's that got to wear the front packs, we weren't able to because of the pressure it would put on her hips. So I wish someone would invite some other way that a HD baby can be carried.
One other important thing that we missed out on was swaddling, because Blair's legs needed to be open as wide as they would go we couldn't swaddle her. I should have made something that would swaddle the top half of her.
I also wish the U/S and x-rays were easier and faster and came out right the first time. I wish there was a book that told everything you needed to know about HD that wasn't written in the 80's and that would address feelings.
I wish people would just listen and not try to tell me "everything is fine" "look at her she looks fine" or the latest "she's walking so how bad could it be?" Until you have a baby with HD or something similar you DON'T know what it's like, walk a mile, or even a night in my shoes and see how it feels.
And lastly for my rantings today is: Hello it's 2010 you'd think they could make a better brace that doesn't have a hard plastic back that is too small, and maybe 1/2 sizes since all babies don't fit into S, M, or L...

STEPS

At 13months old my baby girl took her first steps. She went to Grandma's house yesterday and took a few over there, then took some more in front of her daddy while I was in the bathroom, and FINALLY today she took a few for me!! It seems like a huge milestone, especially for having hip dysplasia. I'm not sure what our next Oakland appt will bring.

Feeling guilty and sleepy

I never knew teething would be so hard and have so many sleepless nights. It's almost like having a newborn again. Not only is she not sleeping but putting the brace on is pure agony, she gets hysterical if you try. So here we are two weeks into the horrible molars and not bracing. I am feeling extremely guilty...but what is a mother to do? I am exhausted and frustrated. We have a pediatrician appointment on the 8th and I can't wait to go talk to my favorite NP, I have a lot of questions. It seems like all we've heard is "HD is cureable if you catch it early and harness" but Oakland appoitments seem to be let down after let down. Blair will be 14 months old at our next appointment when this horrible ordeal should have been over with at 6 weeks. I trust our specialist and I know how difficult HD is, every baby is different and every treatment is different. It's not like a broken leg, it takes time and surgery. Wish me luck for tonight, I hope we get a full 8hours.

Happy Birthday little girl!

Where has the year gone?? This day last year I was in the hospital after dinner and holding my baby girl after 10pm. I remember everything from what I was wearing, feeling, eating, doing that day. I can still feel all the emotions, even how cold the OR was, yelling at the nurses to take the sheet back because I was feeling clausterphobic. It's strange to think I felt NO contractions, ever, not even a braxtin. To check into the hospital at 7:30pm, told I was going to have an emergency c-section in an hour, to holding my little girl and feeling absolutely nothing from my waist down. I remember all the nurses, the food, Blair's little fingers, her head of dark hair, her cute little lips. To go from a shock to absolute distress after her brace was put on. Feeling so much dispair, sadness, confusion. When the pediatrician came in, the third we had seen, to explain it all I can literally remember my head spinning and not understanding a word he said. Spending a few more days at the hospital and insisting to go home on Sunday, even though the nurses wanted me to stay. Oh how great it felt to be home with my baby.

I love everything about being a mommy, even the stinky diapers, spit up on my clothes, and the crying. Needless to say we've had a lot to go through our first year as parents, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love my little girl, my big one year old! Happy Birthday Blair, we have a lifetime more to celebrate!!

2010

Goodbye 2009 Hello 2010. What a year it has been. The best year of my life, having my little baby girl. This last year has also been tough. Hip dysplasia has become a household discussion, and lifestyle change. I had hoped that my daughter was going to be healthy, and for the most part she is, HD is something that has made me stronger as a mother but not so much as a person. We have 2 months until our next appointment and bracing has not been going smoothly. We're getting maybe 8hours a night in it when we're supposed to be doing 12. Teething, and a cold has really pushed us back.

One thing is for sure, Blair is a beautiful, sweet, loving, and smart little girl. She has been really cuddly lately and it's enough to warm your heart. She gives hugs and really wet open mouthed kisses and wants to be held and hugged a lot.

My new year resolutions are to make everyday special with Blair, be happy with myself, get out of debt and cook healthier. I'm not sure what the year holds for us yet, especially in terms of surgery, bracing, and the big one...having another baby. I want Blair to have a sibling and a 2 year gap sounds nice. I'm not sure if I can handle a baby with Blair still sleeping with me, bracing, and if she has to have surgery there is no way. So we'll have to wait and see...

2010 is going to be another great year because I get to be a mother to a wonderful baby:)