It's a...

My sweet Blair is going to have a little brother! We're so excited.

Oakland trip 2011

We're back from Oakland and thrilled with the progress of Blair's sockets. The trip went really well, I was a bit nervous taking a potty-trained almost 3 year old on a 5 hour road trip and she did absolultely wonderful. We talked for most of the ride, ate snacks and she napped both ways. She told us when she had to use the potty and did great everytime. We shopped a little and Blair got some super cute pjs from carters! I love having a daughter that gets excited about new pjs as much as I get. The appt went so much better than I could have expected. She waved bye when she walked into the xray room without me and layed down like a big girl and told the xray lady "my mommy misses me" took her xray and got a sucker and a pooh bear. We got straight into a room and Blair recognized Dr. H as he walked down the hallway. She asked to sit on the exam table which she normally cries to be held, layed down on the crinkly paper and drew in her notebook. The xrays looked great. Dr. H was quite surprised at all the progress, he couldn't believe it. He said "I didn't expect this today", so NO SURGERY woohooo! One side looks great and the other side which has always been a bit more immature as far as growth looks "okay" but he's okay with it. We go back next year and that may be our LAST appt! Wow!! I'm so glad to be home and so relieved for the good news. Next year will definetely be different with an almost 4year old and a 7month old. Thank goodness Darren is so helpful and loves to hold babies:)

Life goes by so fast

It is true what they say "time goes by fast when you're having fun". Just 3 years ago I was pregnant with Blair, wondering what she was going to look like, sound like, act like. And now I have this little girl who is just so sweet, and has to hug and kiss us a million times a day. Says thank-you to everything, when I open a door for her, wipe up her pee off the floor (not sure how that happened last night), and the one that gets me is she says thank you when we read her books. It's no wonder I'm such a crier all the time, she makes me cry with her sweetness. She's chatting up a storm all the time, from the moment she waks up to when she goes to sleep she's talking about everything. She loves talking on the phone and asks to call Grandpa and Cheif everyday. She's potty trained now and insists on using mommy's spoons and bowls, she even read a page of her book to us last night by looking at the pictures. Ugh time just flies by.

We recently went to the pumpkin patch and she had a blast, just the look on her face when her wagon rounded the corner and she saw all the pumpkins was priceless.

We're off to Oakland in just a short few weeks, I'm nervous, scared, excited to get down there. It's been a long year and even though part of me knows "everything" is all right, there is always that part of me who worries that she'll still need surgery. I hang on to the baggage of our past and find myself thinking about this at nighttime, or when I hold my friend's little baby. I constantly analyze and ask why we went through all that we did. Now I know things could have been much worse, I realize that, but it was not easy having her in the harness and brace for years, yes years! No one knows what it was like, except Darren and even he wasn't around for the extent of it. Darren isn't a big emotional type of guy and I can recall the few times I've seen him cry, the one being the most heartbreaking when we left the ortho with bad news and a terrible looking brace, he shed a few tears while we were driving home.

Most people in our life know, and I feel like I can finally announce that we're pregnant:) Our due date is April 12, but I'll be having a c-section a few weeks before. We're excited, I'm nervous and Blair seems to think baby sister is in her belly. I'm looking forward to all the baby stuff, the smell of a new baby, the way they seem to just be one big warm bundle when you hold them. I know Blair is going to be a great big sister as she has told me she will help me feed the baby, change diapers and bathe it. Although I know at almost 3.5 she's going to want to help with everything.

So that leads me to more worries. If this baby is a girl she'll have a 1 in 10 chance of having DDH, if it's a boy he'll have a 1 in 100 chance. So my concern is of course that we'll be heading down this road again. My friend asked me if I was going to use a carrier and be a baby wearer this time around. My answer is regrettably no, I don't want to even chance it. There are very very few carriers/wraps that are okay to use with DDH. The problem being that the hips should be out and flexed, not together in a sling, and there shouldn't be pressure on the sockets like most carriers create. I can remember so vividly one nurse coming into my room late at night and giving me this packet of info on DDh that she had printed out for me, one article going over why I shouldn't use any type of carrier. The abbreviation of DDH stands for developmental dysplasia of the hips, which used to be CDH congential dysplasia of the hips...meaning the old name implied that it happens before the baby is born, but they have found that dysplasia can also happen after birth. Sigh....so things will be basically similar to how I handled Blair, this baby will most likely either be held or in their carseat in the double stroller. But all in all we're so excited for this and I cannot wait to find out the gender!!!!

Big Update

I haven't blogged in a while so I figured I should update everyone.

Sadly our Nicky dog went to heaven just two short weeks ago. It's been hard on everyone and even harder to listen to Blair ask where Ninni is and that Ninni is her friend and that she wants Ninni to sleep in her room. I've been so fortunate to have her live with us for the past six months. I got to bond with her all over again and Blair got to become close to her as well. The only way I can tell Blair where she is, is that she's up in Heaven with Casey and Ozzy and for some reason she really likes that idea.

Blair is growing up so fast and has recently started potty training. It has been a huge deal around here and I finally found the reward worth it to her; My little Ponies. She got one for peeing and one for pooping on the potty! Yay Blair! She's also talking up a storm and is so sweet and affectionate. She is really polite as well, she can order her own food at a resturaunt and loves to say "thanks" and "no thanks" and is just a hoot these days. We have our big ortho appt coming up, the tuesday after Chad's wedding, we're excited and nervous for both big events!!

All three kittens are doing great, they're super rambuncous and love to be held. They all have such loud purrs and want out of their little area as soon as they hear you.

Joshie had his first seizure post medications, it wasn't nearly as bad and he didn't overheat so I think that's what we can hope for. He's having a hard time with his skin allergies but thankfully he enjoys being bathed.
So I guess that's it for now, while things are a little hectic and crazy around here I hope to blog a little more in the future.

Life has been so busy!

This is what I have been up to lately! Between feeding kittens, playing in the yard with Blair and the dogs, and sewing...life has been a big crazy!

Life can be cruel

One of my kittens died last night. I honestly didn't see any signs. Life can be so cruel. I've had enough bad this week, although I'm happy to report my grandma is back home. In fact I've had enough bad this year...so here's to hoping my other 3 kittens thrive, 2 have 1 eye open and they're all purring today which is such a sweet sound.

I said I wanted one but I got 4!!

Since Casey's death I have found this terrible hole in my heart, in my daily routines, and especially during stressful times. I miss her so much and I wanted to try and get another cat or kitten to put a patch on that hole.
Today I got 4. A litter of baby and I mean baby kittens were abandoned by their mother at our barn. We scrambled around getting bottles and formula and they're home and napping happily. They're all different looking in their own way, and the littlest runt reminds me of Casey. I'm having fun bottle feeding them, and in a way I'm sure I'll be so busy that maybe that hole will get a little smaller.
Pictures to come soon, as they still have their eyes closed and I don't have the heart to use flash photography!

I've been bad

Okay, I thought I'd be pregnant by now and I admit I went a little crazy buying maternity clothes, that being said my wardrobe is almost complete...now the hard part...
So lately I've been feeling pretty down about things and I went crazy in the opposite way, I've gotten quite a few nice pieces to add to my Not-pregnant wardrobe, but I will add the banded bottom tanks and tops are perfect transitioners:) I've also been getting a few new pairs of shoes. I feel guitly, I've been so bad about spending money I shouldn't, but hey at least it's walmart and old navy things!
I even got a super cute dress for a wedding reception next weekend with some cute wedges to boot!

HAPPY 4TH!

For the first time in years I am actually enjoying this holiday. I'm not a firework lover by any means, I don't like the loud noise and even as a child I can remember being freaked out and telling my dad to be careful everytime he lit one. Now this year is so fun! We're having a bbq with all the family, Blair spent most the afternoon poolside and the big one I FEEL GREAT! I'm back in the land of the living after a week of literally being curled up in bed, that flu knocked me out and I hated, let me repeat: HATED relying on others to care for Blair. I'm so lucky my parents live so close because I had no choice but to let them feed and my mom even bathed her. Let's face it, I'm a bit of a control freak, and giving the reins to my baby was hard. I enjoy cooking for her, and I really enjoy bath time but man oh man I just couldn't do it this past week. And the worst part was being up all night in the bathroom WITH Blair sitting next to me on a pillow she brought in. She's just the sweetest girl.
Being sick gave me lots of time to think about things. The two main things being TTC and our upcoming Oakland trip. While everyone around us will be enjoying their new babies, and relaxing after a much anticipated wedding we will be headed back down to the Ortho. I'm nervous for a few reasons: first off I would REALLY REALLY like to be KTFU, which means I won't be able to help with the x-ray with leads me to my next worry; the darn x-ray and a very strong willed and strong in general toddler. She did awful the last time, can you imagine poor Darren being the only one in there with her? Besides the fact that the appts make stress me out and I really want to know how her sockets are doing and IF she'll need surgery or if we can just keep going back for re-checks.
But right now I suppose we'll take it one day at a time. I honestly thought I'd be holding a new baby by now, or at least not be able to see my feet. Yet here we are another cycle another dreaded week to test and I'm sure we're not because unfortunately Darren wouldn't get near me while I was sick...It seems like my friends' pregnancies are going by so quickly and here I am starting all over again and truthfully I'm bitter, I'm mad at my body, I'm mad at the world, I'm just plain mad about it. So cross your fingers, toes, anything you can cross because my life in general could use some luck!

First Flu

These past two weeks have been awful! I mean awful, I don't even want to write about what's been going on with me and TTC so I'll just write about my poor Blair fighting a terrible virus. Most of this is TMI so sheild your eyes if you'd like! Last week went to the dr on monday then to the zoo on thursday, after naptime on thursday Blair woke up with a fever then rhea and continued to have both until the weekend. I was hoping it would get better but did not so we went to the dr's yesterday but of course there isn't much they can do. The dr literally told me exactly what my Dad had told me the day before: hydrate, try to get her to eat certain foods, keep the temp down etc. Then last night we were up half the night, poor Blair puked all over, all over me, all over the bed, the bathroom, herself...I have washed our bedding so many times in the last week, and have done load after load of Blair's clothes. It has been awful. To top it off I feel terrible because I am certain she must have picked it up at the dr's office last monday. Ugh I hope this bug clears up soon. This is Blair's first virus although I'm sure she'll get it a few more times and I'll probably be puked on a few more times!

Is it the weekend yet?

Blair Darren and I are ready for the weekend to get here. Not only does Darren have the weekend off but then Monday for memorial. We're headed to a hotel to swim and to pick up a swingset at Walmart. Last night my ever so talkative and cute girl decided to put on a swimsuit fashion show. I haven't laughed and smiled that much in awhile (okay maybe a week, that girl knows how to make me laugh). She looked so darn cute, and grown up strutting around in her suits. She then put on her light up princess sandals and told her Mama and Daddy to put their "swimmies" on. Yay for the weekend!! I can't wait to wear our summer clothes, which I have gotten some really great pieces. I know I talk about Walmart and how I love it but I truly do get some great deals and great clothes. I have (and have another on the way) a tie dye dress that I love, Darren not so much, but it's not obnoxious tye die and it's a tea length and would be perfect if we lived somewhere hot. So I suppose I'll wear it the two days it gets warm over here, and to the river. I've also found some shorts that are the bermuda style with stretch and they perfect since I am not a skinny minny and I usually hate shorts. Now Blair, she can pull of anything, and she looks so adorable in her denim shorts and capris and tanks. I've been wanting a jean jacket and I got one from ON that is in a tall since I have long arms, and I can't wait to wear it when it's nice but chilly out...haven't even had one of those days yet, and I'm thinking of ordering one from Walmart, at half the price.
As far at TTC news, I've been trying the OPKs and CD 11 still no positive, so I'm hoping it's soon, maybe even this weekend with the sun shining and good moods it'll happen. I was contemplating yesterday if I would be satisfied in my life with one child, and in a way I am/would be. But because Blair is so sweet, special, smart, loveable, cute, adding another child in our family would be nothing but amazing. I don't want Blair to be an only child, I think she'll be a wonderful big sister. I know in my life I wouldn't be nearly as happy without my brother. So think good baby thoughts for us and lots and lots of baby dust:)

Life evolves so I suppose a Blog can evolve too

I never thought my DDH blog would turn into a TTC blog, but as the title reads my life is ever evolving so shall my Blog. Another disapointing, heart breaking month has come and gone. As I have said Blair was my very pleasant surprise pregnancy and now that we're TTC and it's not happening it makes me realize how pleasant a surprise pregnancy truly is. No counting days, testing, and bawling the whole day because AF has come. No staring at the maternity closet and actually wanting your belly to grow and stretch and welcome morning sickness and heartburn and eventually surgery and then sleepless nights. But I need to be optimistic; I bought a OPK and I will actually be buying another since it only tests for 7 days and well that is just not enough for me, I want to be sure this time. So come on February birth month, afterall it is an excellent month to be born:) So to those who read my blog, I'm sure it's few, as I only have one follower, cross your fingers and toes and send lots of baby dust my way!!

Goodbye Fb

Yep I did it, I delete Fb and to be honest it feels good. That darn website took up way too much of my time, and besides missing the easy e-mailing of my three close friends and seeing people's pictures, I'm over it. I thought I might go back in a week but I'm okay now, the addiction is gone:)
Mother's day has come and gone and as predicted I had a lovely day, breakfast in bed was nice but I did feel antsy since I am the mother hen every morning that delivers the cats and dog their food/medicene. Speaking of which, Joshua is doing sososos much better on the phenobarbital, he has gained some weight so unfortunately he's had to cut back on his bisquits and treats, he's still peeing all the time and thirsty too but I can live with that. A visit to the vet for his blood work reminded me at how lucky we are that he's still alive, all the people at the clinic were very happy to see him up and around.
Blair is saying 3 word sentences and after spending two days with her cousin she learned the word TURN, as in we take turns. The word has really sunk in as all her babies (there's like 12 of them now) take turns down her slide and take turns on the swing. She's also into disciplining them too, she tells me one is being mean or no nice and they quickly go to time out. She's going to be a great Mama someday!
I've been getting the best deals on maternity clothes and I look through my closet everyday and HOPE AND HOPE that soon I will be wearing them, so people cross your fingers and toes because I am FINALLY ready for it to happen.

RAVE

Okay I'm not one to rave about certain products but today I want to say how much I love Clorox 3 stain removes. I should have taken before and after pictures because I am amazed at the stains it removed! One of Blair's favorite shirts, it's a granimals, green, and super soft, had the worst strawberry stains. So I pretreated it threw it in the wash and crossed my fingers...and what do you know, it all came out!! I am so amazed!!

YOUCH!

Luckily in this life the worst pain I've had was the unavoidable C-section, I have (knock on wood) never broken a bone, sprained anything, or had stitches besides in my mouth and later across my belly. My poor Blair is teething, for hopefully the last time, and has been feverish and crying. Yesterday after she awoke from her nap I held her awhile as she cried and that is the time I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve in my back, youch!!!! I have hurt my back once before, dang sciatica before and after I had Blair acted up and I literally called my Mom to get Blair off of my chest because I could not get out of the bed. So here I am today feeling that same way, except the pain is higher up, and it's not bending down or picking things up, it's the twisting and for some odd reason dipaer changes KILL my back right now. I really hope it gets better for Mother's day because I have a date with my Mom, Grandma and sister in law! Yay! I haven't been to the movies since before Blair was born.

What type of Mom

Before I had Blair I always pictured myself as looking like an LLbean Mom, you know the ladies in the catalogues that have perfect hair, jeans that fit perfectly and brightly colored tops...but it seems like I am more of a walmart Mom. Some outfits I feel pretty good in, and other days, especially come naptime it's sweats and big tees. I'd probably be embarassed for people other than Darren to see my dressed like this. But I still try, a cute tee and Jeans always seems to work. Although lately I've purchased patterned flip flops for the summer, a cute pair of walking shoes by sketchers ( no don't worry they're not shape ups), and two pairs of cute ballet flats, one sparkly black pair for my brother's wedding-the dancing part, and an opened toe pink pair that has a flower on them. I'm stepping out of the comfort zone on those. Now I just need an occasion which it's not raining to wear them!
I love the idea of being a thrifty Mom, a Mom on a budget, but it never seems to stick. I enjoy a good deal, heck I just said I'm a walmart Mom! I like coupons but I am no crazy coupon lady, I buy generic everything, unless it's Blair's products are TP ( sorry we just don't skimp on that). I try to make meals that can be used for leftovers, but then I go in spurts of I'm not cooking we'll eat pizza or whatever is in the fridge. I love love love Old Navy, not only do their clothes fit me (well most of them, I can't seem to find those perfect Jeans) but they always have deals, which is how they sucker me into placing so many orders! I drink coffee from home, there went my starbucks budget...And well as far as Blair goes for the budget, thankfully kids clothes from Walmart and Old Navy are fairly cheap, so she has lots of options to choose from.
Now the deep part, the emotional part, the part that my history comes into play... I want to be the Mom that ALWAYS listens to Blair, that supports her no matter what. A conversation with the husband last night led to the thoughts of HS graduation and College graduation and how we are going to make a BIG deal of those, BIG parties and I hope my kids will know how proud of them I am (will be) everyday. I've read a few times that you're not supposed always give the "good jobs" or else they'll all seem the same, but I find myself always being encouraging, always telling Blair she's doing a good job, always cheering for her. Why wouldn't you?
So as I sit here in my sweats, although they are new and I must say pretty cute and comfy, I guess the type of Mom I am; is well Blair's Mama:)

Who needs Toys?

Because Blair is my frist child and I've never been around many babies or toddlers, I find all of these big changes to be amazing. Blair has always been a baby doll lover, and lately a teddy bear enthusist, but lately she has been using her imagination like crazy! Because she's at the "poop" stage, we talk about it a lot, but she mostly likes to tell me about the dogs who poop, and (I'm sure she'll hate me for divulging this in 10 years) she likes to pretend that the bubbles in the bathtub are poop and tells me what dog it belongs to, so funny! She also loves to pretend to feed me, now it used to be where she fed me food from her kitchen set, now it's more of a "mama m-e" and throws pretend m&ms at me, or just comes up to me and "shoves" some type of food my way. The new fun game at night is to "do" daddy's hair and makeup, using only one puff ball, sound effects and all. I might add he looks gorgeous when she's done, haha! Luckily we have such nice mellow animals that don't mind having their hair blow dried, pretend outfits put on them, and the occasional "meal" laid out before them to eat. I hate to say it but I hope Blair is a cape-wearing, stick-wand waver that runs around the yard in a few years.

Not myself

I've always wondered who reads my blog? I know of a few friends and maybe the occasional fb friend but as you have noticed my blog has become less about DDH since we are at the "wait and see" stage, that is, by the way, killing me!
So here goes, not that I would change my blog and what it's about, but on my personal side of the blog I haven't revealed a whole lot.
With the exception of a few friends and few family members knowing, I want another baby. I want it so badly and well it's not happening, and it's making me crazy, depressed, and jealous of the women who are pregnant. Blair was my happy surprise, a spontaneous miracle and that was great, heck I wish that would happen again. No more testing, no more counting days, no more depression come that 28 days. I should have boughten stock in tests, because I've used a ton in the last 6 months, and for some reason my body is making me miserable and my mind is making me crazy because each and every month I think "this is it" and it's not. Phew, for those who don't blog I've gotta say it feels good to get all these thoughts down, not that I don't talk to my friends about my problems, or cry on my husband's shoulders, it feels good to get it all out in an organized way minus the sobbing.
It's funny because I always pictured my life with 18 babies in it, a car full of screaming kids, a house full, but now that I've experienced the surgery, the fears and how much time, money, and attention children need...I'd like just one more please!
So here it goes, another month of hoping, praying and looking through all of my maternity clothes and Blair's baby clothes. I hope it happens soon and I hope this is the month, otherwise I might truly go insane!
On a happier note, it's Easter and Blair has thoroughly enjoyed all the candy and fun, she's taking a much needed nap until our next house we go to. She's such a sweetie. Although this morning was our first "terrible 2 moment" when she didn't want to put her tights on with her dress, ugh that was a wrestling match. She then spilled too much breakfast/chocolate on her dress and tights that she got changed into jeans, but I'm hoping after she wakes up that she'll let me put just one more dress on, minus the tights.

I love love being a mom...but somedays....

I have been a Mom for 2+years and technically longer than that. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE being a Mom, I love everything about it. Changing diapers are a breeze these days, feeding, clothing, bathing, playing, consoling, disciplining, I love it all...but then there are days when I think about the "old" Shara, and how the "old" Shara on days like today would be out horsing around, literally. I miss my horses like I missed drinking a strong cup of coffee when I was pregnant, heck a little more than that! I miss having the occasional ride on Melo, the feeding, cleaning, and just leaning on Magic talking to him about my day. I miss those horses, and I miss the way the "old" Shara wore wranglers. So please don't take this rant the wrong way, because I love that little girl who is napping in my bed, and I wouldn't trade anything for her. Yet there are days that I wish the horses lived in my backyard, that the fear of getting bucked off of Melo is just a little thought in my head and that my time could be spread out a little more. So here is hoping it stays sunny until Wednesday when my cowboy is off to help me saddle Melo, and then spend time with his daughter while I get a much needed ride:)

Bummed

I've been so stressed lately just trying to put an offer on that darn house and then one e-mail later and someone with CASH scoopes it up. The icing on the cake of my bad night was getting a hard plastic woody doll to the face, ouch! The tears were flowing last night and the headache is still going strong!
I realize we aren't cash rich but my husband has a great job, we had a little to put down and as my dad puts it "we're young and have energy" to really make that house great again, and it's DON (gone) as Blair would put it. Gone.

Don't get me wrong though I love living over here, and part of me feels like part of the house is mine, but then the other part of me wants to venture out and get our own place. I guess we'll just keep saving, and watching to see if any intersting houses come up for sale. I'm hoping once the weather gets nice we can paint and finish outside/inside projects and maybe my housing blues will go away.

Legacy

It seems like I've had a lot less ddh posts and more posts reflecting myself and our life. This week has been a busy but fun, and I knew it would be a great week. Lunch with my aunt, pedis with my mom, and the biggest one is looking at a foreclosed house. We haven't even considered buying a house since before Blair was born. Let's face it, I love this house, my dad built it, I have so many memories and I feel safe and comfortable. But I started to wonder what my legacy was to Blair and our future child...what will they know me for? When I think of my dad I see all of these great accomplishments, he built this house when he was my age! He built his business up from nothing, he's smart and generous and can do so many things. Then I look at myself, sure I graduated college but that was sort of for him, I've had a lot of little jobs but I want to stay at home with Blair, and well I think someday we'll have to venture out on our own. I like having my mom and dad up the street, but this house is HUGE, is in a wonderful neighborhood with horses right across the street! Blair loved it! It's big, stinky, and needs lots and lots of work. But it'd be our legacy, our home that we create and re-do. So what to do? What to do?

I finished it!

I finally finished my first quilt, although technically my second...the first was one made for Nicky with a hot glue gun:) I love it and it turned out better than I had hoped! I've never been the best at sewing and as my Mom puts it "I like the pedal to the medal" which I have to do with my machine to get it to sew anything thick. The fabric was from an actual quilt packet which made it easy but I chose the soft bumpy fleece on the back and the binding and Blair actually picked out the border. I'm not sure if I like it more than Blair does right now but I know she'll cherish it. As I'm typing my baby blanket is around my shoulders, and someday I know she'll look at hers and be proud that her Mama made it:)

My BoBo aka Bubbas aka Joshie, my love

I love calling my dog all sorts of nicknams, and well he loves it. Josh is unlike any dog I've ever known. He is sweet, very sensitive and doesn't seem to think he's dog at all! The biggest difference between Joshie and other dogs is 1. he has seizures almost every two months and 2. He has the worst skin allergies! After battling skin infections every month and giving him massive doses of antibiotics we tried doing steroid injections and it was awful. Have you ever given a dog shots everyday? He dreaded it, we dreaded it, so thankfully with help from the SIL we did an allergy test. He's mostly allergic to things outside, no food allergies thankfully since as I said before he doesn't seem to think he's a dog and thinks he should eat what we eat. So now we have him on atopica, a very expensive pill that he takes every 3 days, anything more than 3 days he'll get an infection. He's worth every gosh darn penny of it. I trust him around Blair, he loves that girl. He follows me everywhere and as we always joke: if he had hands he could change Blair's diaper since he has to sit right next to me when I do it. He's mellow yet when my dad or mom come over he get sooo excited, although he is a very skiddish dog with strangers and other animals. Somedays I have to wonder what those seizures do to him mentally. Case in point, he hardly realizes when there are racoons on the deck and if you wear a hood and come from a distance he goes nuts not knowing who or what you are.
Yet he is my life, I love my Joshie so much and this week he had a bad infection so after 6 pills a day, a very long bath and some calming bisquits I think we're over the worst. So thank you joshie for being my BoBos my Bubbas and Blair's best friend.

Who am I to you?

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, or my life. Am I a good friend? A sister? A good mother or wife? Am I trustworthy enough to tell me your secrets? Since having Blair I've become someone totally different, even after I got married I didn't change that much...or at least I don't think so. I think I'm a lot more open about things, to where I can talk about certain subjects without feeling like a need to filter. I'm pretty honest, at least to those close to me. I freely cry about things, get mad about situations, and tell my husband what's what around here.

But then there are days when I really feel like the only thing I'm good at is being Blair's Mom. I'm an okay cook, terrible housecleaner and bookeeper, and not that great of a wife. But really who can be when your husband works all the time, comes home late and at "meltdown" time around here? Some nights I tell Darren, I can either cook dinenr or comfort Blair. I feel like my life and the things I accomplish are the bare minimal. I have so many wants and dreams and I wonder when they will ever get done. I love living in this house but I want to paint and get rid of clutter, but it's hard with a toddler around. The time that I get to myself are few and far between, I am able to blog now with the help from Toy Story 3...and dinner gets fixed most nights thanks to playdoh.

Lately I've been keeping my fears about Blair's DDH bottled up to myself or to Darren and a fellow DDH mom. I worry about Blair so much because well, she's my whole world. I keep worrying that she's going to need surgery or that she won't but will always be on the edge of "almost normal". I don't know which is worse, to get it corrected and have 6+weeks of hell, or be sooo close to her sockets being normal that I constant worry about them and await yearly x-rays.

Two shows have prompted the feelings of "who am I?". The first being What Not to Wear, which did a makeover on a Blogging Mom who never really felt pretty. So I was watching it thinking to myself...Okay I'm not that bad to where I wear sweathpants in public but I don't find myself pretty right now. When is the last time I felt pretty about myself? I never felt bad about myself in high school...but that was forever ago, I felt pretty on my wedding day...but that was forever ago too. The only recent time I've felt pretty was being pregnant with Blair. Not sure why when my waistline kept getting bigger and the stretchmarks longer, but it's true, that is the last time I felt pretty and good about myself. The other show, which I know sounds silly, was Teen Mom2. The one mom had started dating a guy and I asked Darren (as I often do with funny off the wall questions) that if he wasn't married to me and I had Blair would he want to date me? He said well he didn't know because I'm such a different person than when he first met me. I asked him what I was like then and he said "reckless". Which is the complete opposite of now.
So WHO AM I? I guess my only answer is I'm Blair's Mama:)

Waves

Seems like my worrisome and my stress comes in such waves. I was doing good for so long then it's like something triggers my craziness. I've spent too many long nights on the internet looking at DDH and reading people's opinions and googling everything possible. Somedays I wonder why I have the internet, when all I do is order clothes (that don't fit most of the time!), and go crazy researching. Last night I heard Blair's hip pop twice, which I had asked the drs before and they say it's not a big deal but still....how can I not worry about it? November is such a long ways off.

Mama's Birthday

Happy Valentines Day, we aren't doing a whole lot today, Betty dog is over for a playdate and I'm just trying to clean the house for my birthday party tomorrow. I'm not that into my birthday, I'm not much for attention, but they have been a lot more fun now that I'm a Mommy and Blair loves birthday celebrations (cake, candles, singing and presents, what two year old doesn't love that?). And as I sit here thinking about birthdays I can't help but think about how when you're little you love the presents, the attention, it's all about YOU. But once you're older (well maybe not everyone feels this way) you realize what has gone into your BIRTH DAY, which is what I always like to tell my friends on their children's birthday day...because well the Mom has done quite a lot just for you to be on this earth. Not only did my mother create me, she grew me, then labored just to have me on this earth, she fed me, bathed me, and educated me. Of course my Dad had a lot to do with it as well but really now that I'm a Mom I can appreciate Birthdays a lot more!

Letting Go

Okay, as most of my close friends, and whoever may follow my blog probably hear a lot of bad feelings about Blair's birth, the weeks after and overall any DDH moment has a bad feeling connected to it. SO as of last night I've decided to let it ALL go, our birth was not expected and not the way I wanted it but it happened and our next baby's birth won't be how I want it either but I need to have more positive thoughts about it. DDH may have been the hardest thing to go through, but it had to happen and still does happen, and the little girl who is sleeping in my bed is proof that things happen for a reason. It's always in the back of my head, I'll probably always worry but this life is too short and precious to hang on to all of these crazy feelings. Yes, Crazy, been there still half way there but I want to look forward to an awesome year, hopefully soon giving Blair a sibling, traveling, learning, dancing...lots of dancing. Last night while cooking dinner and dancing to the backstreet boys with Blair I had this epiphany that you know what? No matter what life throws at me, I'll overcome it, I know I'll shed lots of tears along the way but I am a stronger mother, I appreciate the small things, I don't take for granted little moments or little improvements. Afterall I love that little girl and November will come quick and even IF Blair needs surgery I'll get through that as well.

New Friend, New Thoughts

I've met so many Mom's the past week and one friend that I can't belive how similar our stories are. Though at the moment we are at a stand still waiting and watching to see if Blair has progress, it's made me think and think about all the things we have gone through and the possibility of things to come. I also saw this link on one of the fb DDH pages, which is very interesting because I had read that the pavlick harness is like 90% effective.


http://www.hipdysplasia.org/About/Newsroom/Latest-News/NewsDetail.aspx?a=361...2&ReturnUrl=%2FAbout%2FNewsroom%2FLatest-News%2Fdefault.aspx%3FcategoryId%3D170%26a%3D3612

There were No tears today!

Blair's two year checkup was yesterday and if you can believe it No tears were shed for the toe prick and flu shot! She was weighed and measured on the "big kid" scale and stood up straight to be measured, my not so little girl is 30.5lbs and 35 inches tall! Wow! Our doctor came in and asked the normal questions which leads to my typed out list about our last ortho appts, he praised us for "sticking" to our appts and following through, which I thought was strange. Why wouldn't I follow through and go to every possible appt I can? I'm not sure how other parents handle things but yes Blair was in a carseat when we drove here, I wore my seatbelt, and all the guns are locked in the gun cabinet at my house...weird questions but I suppose they have to ask everyone. He then checked her legs and hips which Blair did not like at all, she cried and screamed. He said that he couldn't get her hips out, that they are not subluxed as far as he could tell but she is very strong and doesn't like the barlow test. He also said that "if he didn't know she had ddh he wouldn't be able to tell today". Yes it sounds reasuring and seems like everything is Okay, but in all reality I have learned that DDH isn't necessarily cureable and doesn't simply go away. Blair's sockets are not curved but her femur cannot come out of socket now, which is a relief. We'll be back to our ortho in November, a very long 10 months from now.

Blairisms

Blair has her two year appt with her pedi coming up. As usual I type out all of my questions and concerns, and since we haven't been for awhile I will be typing out all of the things Blair is up to. But that got me thinking of all the cute Blairisms.

My favorite Blairism is her kindness. After a nap she hugs and kisses me like crazy and when we hold hands, especially from upstairs down the steep hardwood she kisses my hand. It is the sweetest thing you could ever feel.

Although Blair can say a lot of words and communicate with me, some of her words sound the same. For instance she came into my Mom's kitchen yesterday eating fruit snacks and said "chew" but to me it sounded like "toot" which she says often. Josh and Juice are the same, along with pointing to Josh hairs, she can now say cat and duck and tell me the noises of most animals. She says new and taste and the big word of this month has been CAKE...I wonder why:)

Although Blair has never been very loud, she has started to get a real voice. She sing-songs a lot. And most bath times sound like some sort of mystical chant, it's really funny.

Blair loves playing with her babies, feeding them, telling me they've pooped and trying to clean them. She got a very basic doll house for her birthday and enjoys making the "daddy" sit on the toilet and take baths. The other favorite present has been playdoh. She LOVES it, she'll climb up into her highchair and wait for me to get it for her. She smashes it, cuts it with the plastic scissors that it came with and has started to mix the colors. Best $6 I've ever spent!

Although Blair isn't looking forward to yet another dr.'s appt I sure am. I really like our pedi and discussing her DDH with him. A lot has happened in the past few months so having a chat with him always makes me feel better.

This time two years ago...

This last week has me reminencing about pregnancy, labor, and the dreaded hospital stay. Today two years ago my brother took me to my last doctor's appt. Which thankfully was with a doctor who actually took the time to really "feel" where Blair was positioned. Not only was she worried that Blair was breech (something I had been telling the other doctor for weeks) but that my amniotic fluid was low. I held my tears as she called to order an u/s and stress test for friday and saturday. As I hoisted myself into my brother's tall pickup it all came out, big warm tears and all my fears. Not only had I been preparing for a natural drug free birth, I had anticipated spending as little time as I could in the hospital. I am a home body, always have been. If I had it my way I'd do a home birth.

So as a start to some possible posts I have confessions of a DDH mother:


Before Blair was born I did some major retail damage. I bought her all sorts of clothes and cutsie stuff. The first night we came home I realized Blair had nothing to wear under her harness. I didn't have any long sleeve onesies, so off Darren went all over town trying to find long sleeve shirts (we didn't use oneises for awhile because it was easiest to change diapers around the harness). I took one look at her drawers full of clothes and decided to not put anything that wasn't 1. soft 2. tag free 3. comfy and not too tight. It has stuck with me up to this day. I know people love buying blair clothes but I stick to those rules. Which as I have found is hard once you hit the 2Ts, I found the best socks are old navy triple rolls, or the circo socks that don't roll at target. The socks that came with blair's harnesses were HORRIBLE. They were made from some sort of crochet material and shrunk in the wash. You're not supposed to take the brace off often, not even everyday for clothing changes. But I just couldn't do that, Blair got a new onesie and socks everynight.

It's so nice to be harness and brace free, I hope life stays that way:)