Feeling guilty and sleepy

I never knew teething would be so hard and have so many sleepless nights. It's almost like having a newborn again. Not only is she not sleeping but putting the brace on is pure agony, she gets hysterical if you try. So here we are two weeks into the horrible molars and not bracing. I am feeling extremely guilty...but what is a mother to do? I am exhausted and frustrated. We have a pediatrician appointment on the 8th and I can't wait to go talk to my favorite NP, I have a lot of questions. It seems like all we've heard is "HD is cureable if you catch it early and harness" but Oakland appoitments seem to be let down after let down. Blair will be 14 months old at our next appointment when this horrible ordeal should have been over with at 6 weeks. I trust our specialist and I know how difficult HD is, every baby is different and every treatment is different. It's not like a broken leg, it takes time and surgery. Wish me luck for tonight, I hope we get a full 8hours.

Happy Birthday little girl!

Where has the year gone?? This day last year I was in the hospital after dinner and holding my baby girl after 10pm. I remember everything from what I was wearing, feeling, eating, doing that day. I can still feel all the emotions, even how cold the OR was, yelling at the nurses to take the sheet back because I was feeling clausterphobic. It's strange to think I felt NO contractions, ever, not even a braxtin. To check into the hospital at 7:30pm, told I was going to have an emergency c-section in an hour, to holding my little girl and feeling absolutely nothing from my waist down. I remember all the nurses, the food, Blair's little fingers, her head of dark hair, her cute little lips. To go from a shock to absolute distress after her brace was put on. Feeling so much dispair, sadness, confusion. When the pediatrician came in, the third we had seen, to explain it all I can literally remember my head spinning and not understanding a word he said. Spending a few more days at the hospital and insisting to go home on Sunday, even though the nurses wanted me to stay. Oh how great it felt to be home with my baby.

I love everything about being a mommy, even the stinky diapers, spit up on my clothes, and the crying. Needless to say we've had a lot to go through our first year as parents, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love my little girl, my big one year old! Happy Birthday Blair, we have a lifetime more to celebrate!!

2010

Goodbye 2009 Hello 2010. What a year it has been. The best year of my life, having my little baby girl. This last year has also been tough. Hip dysplasia has become a household discussion, and lifestyle change. I had hoped that my daughter was going to be healthy, and for the most part she is, HD is something that has made me stronger as a mother but not so much as a person. We have 2 months until our next appointment and bracing has not been going smoothly. We're getting maybe 8hours a night in it when we're supposed to be doing 12. Teething, and a cold has really pushed us back.

One thing is for sure, Blair is a beautiful, sweet, loving, and smart little girl. She has been really cuddly lately and it's enough to warm your heart. She gives hugs and really wet open mouthed kisses and wants to be held and hugged a lot.

My new year resolutions are to make everyday special with Blair, be happy with myself, get out of debt and cook healthier. I'm not sure what the year holds for us yet, especially in terms of surgery, bracing, and the big one...having another baby. I want Blair to have a sibling and a 2 year gap sounds nice. I'm not sure if I can handle a baby with Blair still sleeping with me, bracing, and if she has to have surgery there is no way. So we'll have to wait and see...

2010 is going to be another great year because I get to be a mother to a wonderful baby:)

Feeling guilty as usual

Christmas was so much fun, I cannot believe it's over. Blair had a lot of fun Christmas eve with my family over for dinner. My brother and Darren set up her swing set in the playroom and she got so many presents that night and the next day. Her favorite (I think) is a doll that has velcro on her hands to hold little stuffed animals. She holds her and hugs her, so sweet. Blair also had a lot of fun at her Aunt Missey's, she attacked her cousin with love and got sweet potatoe all over my arm. We then went to my mom's and got spoiled again.

With all of the fun we've been having, there has also been some guilt on my part. With Blair's molars all coming in at the same time I just do not have the heart to make her wear her brace at night. She's not sleeping and that means I'm not sleeping. Tonight will hopefully be better and I'll force myself to put it on her. Two weeks till Blair's birthday!! Then two months till our next Oakland appointment! Hip dysplasia is always on my mind.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas around here...

I'm so excited for Blair's first Christmas, it's hard to believe this time last year I had a huge baby belly and was anxiously awaiting the arrival of B. The house was decorated after Thanksgiving, although if I had it my way the house would look like this all year round. Most of our presents are wrapped, the lights are up. Darren put them up wrong though, but oh well they still look great, especially since it's so dark down here. It was hard to figure out what to get B, she's at the age where she doesn't want baby toys but is still too small for big things. I really wanted to get her a kitchen set but I'm afraid she'll just try to climb up to stand, I also wanted to get her a ball pit but they sold out of them at walmart. I'm going to find another ball pit because in the case of surgery a mom on http://www.baby-hip.org/ suggested it. HD is always on our minds no matter how happy and festive it is.

Blair has had a cold this week, our first and definetely not our last. She's been sans brace now for 2 nights and I feel so incredibly guilty. There is no way she would stand it though. I'm happy to say she is on her way to feeling better, however I now have the bug.

All the things I am thankful for...

I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter, she is sweet and cuddly, smart, energetic, silly, truly the best baby I could have asked for. Somedays I still cannot believe I am a Mommy. I don't want to do anything else in my life.

I am thankful for my Husband and my family. I am thankful for my sister-in-law being a phone call away when we have baby or pet questions. I have a very close family and I don't know where I'd be without them. I am so thankful my brother is healthy and walking around.

I am thankful for my super sweet and patient animals. Josh is such a sweet dog who doesn't mind having his tail pulled or being chased, Casey is the best cat, and even Barny cat is nice to Blair.

We had a very nice Thanksgiving. My first turkey turned out fine, not as tasty as I thought it would be. We had a shacky start the night before, I pulled the turkey out and it smelled terrible. My mom came over and smelled it and then took it back and got me a new one (thank goodness). Darren and I whipped up all sorts of side dishes and then went to my mom's house to eat, again, and have dessert. Blair really liked the sweet potatoes, fed Josh and Betty her green beans, and ate a few bites of turkey.

Today is a better day

Today I am feeling much better, in fact the weather is reflecting that right now, sunshine but still cold. I always give myself a few days to be sad, bawl my eyes out, get mad and hate the world. But I'm over that. It's now time to educate myself and prepare our family for whatever may happen. I never thought we'd be discussing surgery but we haven't had any progress in her hips. For now we'll keep bracing and have fun filled days and let her RUN her in walker so the nights are better. Blair loves running after Josh and Barny and sometimes t-bones them.

Everyone always says "it's no big deal", "things could be worse", "she looks just fine". None of those statements help. I don't want people to feel sorry for us, but also know that this is a serious condition with no set cure. Yes we caught it early but after 5 different braces/harnesses we're in the same spot we were 10 months ago. One thing I am thankful for is not staying with the doctor up here who thought she'd be out at 6 weeks. Ugh I cannot image what life would be like.

One thing is for sure, I have the most WONDERFUL, SWEET, HELPFUL, LOVING, HANDSOME (oh man yes oh so handsome) husband. What I would do without Darren?? He is such a good father, so loving and understanding. I would be a wreck without him.